What would you do if you caught your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend en flagrante with, ahem, the computer? Shut him down? Boot him out? Purge memory and forgive him? Or join in with a little laptop action of your own?
I’ve addressed some of these issues in a story about the contentious topic of when exactly does pornography becomes adultery (you be the judge) in the new edition of Australian marie claire magazine that hit newsstands today.
Interestingly, the women I interviewed whose marriages had been ultimately destroyed by their husbands’ use of porn – some of it downright disgusting and depicting violence towards women – wanted to help their blokes overcome their addictions and, in the first instance, did not think it was a deal breaker. They are reasonable, intelligent women and the reasons the marriages finally fell apart are compelling.
I asked Bettina Arndt, a social commentator and author of a recently published book, The Sex Diaries,if she thought “pornography is adultery”. Her response was a definite no, backed up by evidence. Here’s a taste:
“We know men have a very visual sexual imagination and are attracted to visual material; some women are, too. There is good evidence that the visual aspect is a large part of stimulating the male libido.”
She has a point – what do you think all those men rely on when at the IVF clinic? Visual porn.
But contrast Arndt’s response to that of Melinda Tankard Reist, author and spokesperson for Women’s Forum Australia:
“The feedback I get from women in this situation is that they feel the compulsive use of porn is akin to adultery. They do feel cheated on, and they speak about an emotional betrayal.”
Sam deBrito, All Men Are Liars* blogger, newspaper columnist and author (as well as being a former desk buddy of mine) had an interesting take on it from a man’s point of view – and it may surprise you.
The story is provocative and will make you think. As a married woman, I’m still not sure how I’d react and what I’d do in the same situation.
Happy reading – or not, as the case may be!
